Blade To His Wrist
by rosie.lee.14
Summary: Massive Trigger Warning: Story completely centered around self harm. McGee's secret gets found out by Gibbs and Ducky on a case that could get McGee hurt. How will Gibbs react? How does Gibbs get through to McGee? What is Gibbs' full story? Will Gibbs ever get over his past? Will the team pull together for this or will they finally crumble under the stress of the situation?
1. The beginning of it all

A/N: Trigger warning. This story is centered massively around self harm.

Disclaimer: I unfortunately don't own any of the NCIS characters and I am not profiting from this story.

Dear diary

The end of another case at last and a weekend to look forward to, if I didn't have this much going on in my head I think I would enjoy it. The case was about a petty officer who died from a single gunshot to the head. When Metro found him he was wearing a suit and looked as if he was going to dinner but nobody expected to see what was underneath his clothes but even with that we have ran out of leads so we have to stop investigating. From his shoulders to ankles he was covered in self harm scars and many appeared to be recent as they looked like they had just healed. I mean I should know, it's not like I'm a stranger to this but nobody actually knows. I think Kate had an idea of what was going on however that is of no use now. One day though I did find a drawing on my desk, it was of me sat at my typewriter. The writing around it talked about everything being okay and help was out there so I think it was safe to say that Kate knew.

I do still go out of my way to hide it, I always wear long sleeves but I know one day someone will find out. It's also one of the reasons why I don't want a love life. If I do I will have to explain all of the cuts and scars and then if they leave they're free to tell whomever they want which is another reason why I don't intend to tell Tony. Abby saw my scars one Halloween and said the make up was brilliant but she couldn't say that now, there's way too many.

Ziva doesn't know, we're good friends but she knows more about Tony. Me and Palmer never really clicked properly unless we were talking about computer games so he hasn't asked and Ducky just doesn't know. But if Gibbs knew I don't know what I'd do that's why this book is locked up tighter than Fort Knox.

I can't believe I still write in this book. Even though I don't write in here every night I still write in here after every case which could be a danger to national security if it was ever found but I don't intend to get rid of this any time soon.

End of entry

Monday…

As McGee walked into the bullpen he heard the roar of an angry Gibbs with no coffee "gear up!" He then knew that this case was going to be pain in the backside "Metro found us a dead marine who served in Iraq as a part of a sniper unit". Oh yeah, this is gonna be fun.

At the scene…

"Apologies for being late my dear Jethro, Mr Palmer got us lost again"

"Hey duck don't worry about it one day he will learn to read a map and drive at the same time" replied Gibbs almost cracking a smile until he remembered the reason he was there.

"Dr can we not just buy a satnav? I will even pay for it fully myself" questioned Palmer

"No Mr Palmer, such wretched things. Good old fashioned maps will do us just fine" replied Ducky

"Never mind Palmer at least you're here, I don't know where the rest of my team are. David, DiNozzo, McGee get your sorry asses out here!" Gibbs shouted

"Just getting the equipment boss" McGee replied on behalf of the team

"I don't care, hurry up McGee!"

"You might want to go a bit easier on them Jethro" Ducky intervened "Last week was a hard week for all of us and the fact that the case has ran cold makes life no easier"

"C'mon Duck, what team takes ten minutes to get equipment out of a van?"

"A cautious one, this is a very steep slope and we don't want anybody taking a tumble do we?"

"Maybe you should tell Palmer that this time" Gibbs then turned to his team who had finally got all of the equipment ready "DiNozzo sketch, Ziva bag and tag, McGee witness statements" said Gibbs glad that everyone was finally working. Some family somewhere needed answers as he did all those years ago.

The hard work lasted all of five minutes when McGee had to break the news that there were no witnesses. "How is there no witnesses when Metro got tipped off about a dead body?"

"I don't know boss. I can try and find out who called by tracing the number"

"Then what are you waiting for" McGee then ran to the van to get his laptop, luckily he bought it with him this time. Using a local hotspot he accessed the NCIS database and found nothing but a pay phone address but it was seventy miles away from the crime scene.

"You sure McGee?"

"Definitely boss"

"Go then. DiNozzo, go with him."

"On it boss. Hey McGoo, what did you do to piss him off?"

"I really don't know Tony"

"You got any ideas?"

"Not this time"

Couple of hours later at NCIS HQ

"McGee, DiNozzo, how nice of youyou to join us. Do you have anything?"

"No boss" McGee replied "not a single finger print on the pay phone at all and there were no CCTV cameras near by, the one in the box was disabled"

"Go and see what Ducky has then McGee if you really have nothing else to offer"

"Okay boss" McGee replied just hoping that he would figure out what he had done that was so wrong.

"Hey Ducky" McGee greeted in a fed up voice

"Hello Timothy, are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine but I think I have done something wrong"

"What makes you say that?"

"Gibbs is in a really bad mood with me"

"Don't take it to heart my dear boy. This case is about a marine sniper so to Gibbs this is very personal"

"I'll try Ducky, you got any information for me?"

"Ahh, well I'm not to sure that Gibbs should find this out via messenger pigeon"

"If I don't go back with anything he might actually murder me this time"

"Well, if you must. Tell him from what I can see we have an identical killing. The marine has self harm scars up all of his arms and some on his stomach and thighs, we may have a serial killer but forensics will have to confirm my suspicions"

At this point McGee was stuck for words so only said "thank you" and left, now he had to tell Gibbs and he wasn't going to like it.

"What McGee!"

"Abby still has to confirm it though boss" McGee stuttered

"Well go and check then!" Gibbs shouted "it's hard to believe you're such a genius when it comes to complicated things but you're so brain dead when it comes to using your initiative"

"Abby" McGee called as he stepped out of the elevator "please tell me you have something that will make Gibbs like me again"

"Well, I have something"

"What is it?"

"Well it's nothing"

"Please Abby"

"It's the same McGee. Same murder weapon, no prints and no DNA so technically it is nothing"

"He really is gonna kill me"

"I will start collecting for your funeral, I already have the funds from the time…"

"Don't go there Abbs, not a time I want to remember"

"Hey what about the time you slept with Dianne"

"I didn't sleep with her!"

"I was only kidding McGoo, chill"

"Sorry Abby. Gibbsis is really getting to me."

"Give me a hug" Abby then ran up to McGee and embraced him in a massive hug from which he couldn't escape but what Abby didn't know was that she was hurting McGee. All the recent cuts up his arm started to hurt and McGee was almost certain that one had started to bleed again. Luckily he kept his blazer on for the short visit.

"I will come upstairs with you if you like"

"You're amazing Abby"

"I know" Abby said grinning from ear to ear

Approaching the bullpen both Abby and McGee heard Gibbs having another go at DiNozzo for his childish handwriting. "See McGee" Abby stated "it's not just you"

"Is that supposed to provide me with some comfort?"

"In a way yes" Abby then approached the king of the beasts who was ready to take down his prey until he was interrupted "you got yourself a double homicide"

"Great, just what we need"

"Do you need a hug too?" Abby questioned only to receive a very stern

"No" from Gibbs

"Come ere, you know a hug always makes you feel better" so Abby ran up to Gibbs and gave him a hug "I'm not letting gogo until you start playing nicely"

"Just let go Abbs"

"No" Abby retolerated "you have to promise"

"Fine, I promise. Now let me go, we have an bad guy to catch"

Gibbs then went to visit Ducky to receive a physiological profile only to find a note saying 'tread carefully around this subject Jethro, it may still be raw for some of the team'. All Gibbs could think was what had he missed? He spent the next five minutes in autopsy going through past events and constantly thinking how both cases were linked by self harm. Ziva had worn a top with no sleeves just last week, DiNozzo basically stripped in front of everybody when the air con broke down again, Abby is too happy and would speak to him first and Palmer is way too easy to read. That only really leaves McGee he thought. McGee never changed clothes in the bullpen like Tony did, he's never had to go undercover wearing short sleeves and he is very fidgety so he must always be checking that his sleeves are down. How could Gibbs have missed this one? It was staring him in the face. The way McGee froze when we found out about the self harm scars on the first body, he just thought he was shocked. Then right on cue Ducky walked in.

"It appears that I forgot my umbrella, it is quite bad weather outside"

"How did I miss it Duck?"

"Jethro, for the past couple ofof weeks you have been so concentrated on your job that none of us could get through to you but before that I really don't know. Maybe you just refused to believe it"

" I should have noticed. Me of all people."

"Are you going to try and get through to him?"

"For once I don't know how"

"Tell him your story, your reasons and the way you justified it, how Mike and me found out. Different people require different approaches to sensitive subjects"

"You're the only one who knows about me Duck. How did you find out about McGee?"

"I didn't say you had to share your story, it was merely a suggestion and I found out about McGee when he had a run in with poison ivy a while back although, he hid most of it from me quite well. I didn't question him about it because he looked like he would break down if I did and as a doctor I believe that he wasn't ready to face it"

"I still can't believe I missed it on a member of my very own team"

aboutDear diary

Turns out we have a double homicide to attend to and absolutely no leads. It is hitting Gibbs hard and he is taking it out on all of us. I did more cuts than usual today, I don't quite know know why though. At least I'm still the only one who knows even if it was a close call with Ducky a while ago.

A/N: By all means critise my writing and plot but please be kind about the subject as some people find it difficult to approach.

If anyone needs someone to talk to I will be glad to provide some support but I do not log on very often but child-line provides brilliant support for people in this situation for young people in the UK. I would appreciate it massively if people reading in other countries like the USA could provide websites or phone numbers for supportive communities in the reviews, even if this story helps just one person I will be thrilled. If you don't want to post them yourself or anonymously I will be more than happy to include them in my authors notes at the end of a chapter if you send me the information.


	2. Gibbs' story

Tuesday…

McGee entered the bull pen and received a "good morning" from Ziva to which he obviously replied "good morning" and immediately questioned the absence of his coworker " where's Tony?"

"Late"

"That's not good, especially on this case"

"I know, but it will be more entertaining seeing Tony getting it in the neck instead of you"

"I've got to agree there"

As McGee sat down and started his computer up who else should walk in ten minutes late other her than Tony. Trying to act as though he wasn't late Tony crept to his PC and sneakily switched it on only to have Gibbs standing behind him the whole time. "Good morning boss, traffic this morning was terrible"

"Yeah, I'm sure" he responded sarcastically. "Take this down to Abby" Gibbs said handing DiNozzo the Caf-Pow "she hasn't had her morning caffeine yet. Ziva, Ducky needs your opinion on a case he is 'sharing' with the FBI. McGee, bank statements, credit cards and financial history on the owners of the shop next to the pay phone"

"On it boss" they all replied in sync. Ziva and Tony headed to the elevator whereas McGee got on doing what he did best. Five minutes later he looked up from his computer only to find Gibbs looking straight at him. "Did I mess up or something boss?"

"Nope"

"Then why are you looking at me like that do I have something on my shirt?" McGee was starting to get worried now as he knew his shirt was clean but he still looked down to go along with the story. .

"Let's go to the conference room."Almost shaking McGee followed his boss to the empty room. Once in he got told to take a seat. "Talk"

"About what? I have nothing else on the case yet boss, the owners were clean" now McGee definitely knew something was wrong but he really hoped he was wrong for once.

"Let me see your arms Tim, please"

"Why boss? There's nothing wrong with them" now was as good a time as any to panic and McGee started to fidget ever so slightly

"Please McGee"

"But boss, they're fine and besides, there are cameras in here"

"They're off"

"How do I know that?"

"One, because you can trust me and two, I wouldn't take my blazer off and roll up my sleeves up in here if it was" Gibbs then proceeded to take his blazer off and roll up his sleeves to try and gain the trust of his young agent. McGee fell silent as his eyes widened only to see the scars running up his bosses arm. Gibbs, the tough marine sniper who he has heard all of these stories about. "Do you trust me now McGee? Mike knew about me after a few months"

"B-b-boss I-I have never showed anyone"

"Who knows?"

"Just you as it stands"

"And Ducky, he said you were good at hiding it. Not always a good thing though"

"Kate knew, she was gonna help me. She always left little drawings around to make me feel better"

"Kate had a way of doing that. McGee, you really can trust me. I'm not going to force you to show me but I would like to help. The only way people can help is if you let them in"

McGee looked down in shame and flashed back to the first time he cut. He was a young teen and his dad had just rejected him again when he asked for just a bit of moral support. He thought the pain might go away if he had something to distract him. He took the blade to his wrist and did some small cuts whilst in the bathroom. He then rinsed his arm under cold water and dressed the cuts. Then he snapped back to reality as he traced his fingers over the first scars he had made all those years ago with his blazer still on. He then willingly removed it and undid his buttoned up cuffs on both of his arms. He only had to roll the sleeves up once to let Gibbs see just how bad it was. Gibbs felt his heart sink and he let his face show it so McGee immediately started to roll them back down pretending nothing had happened. "McGee, wait" he stopped rolling his sleeves down "I just didn't want to think that it was this bad"

"L-l-look boss, I'm sorry. I should have been better at hiding it, you wouldn't have to know then and you wouldn't have to share the same burden"

"Don't be sorry McGee. If anything I'm the one who should be sorry for not seeing it"

"Am I benched?"

"No, not yet but that isn't the priority. When did you start?"

"Early teens"

"How often?"

"Every day now"

"Where on your body?"

"All over"

"Worse than our first victim?"

"You could say that but I couldn't be sure. It has got worse recently though, there has been no particular reason for it before you ask"

"Would you feel comfortable showing Ducky and me all of your scars?"

"No boss, this is as many as you see and is definitely enough questions" with that McGee almost ran out of the conference room straight to the men's room and locked himself in a cubicle. He never carried a blade with him so that he couldn't be tempted, that didn't stop him from throwing up with worry. What on earth was he going to do now Gibbs knew? He only cut when he felt under pressure even if it was the smallest school homework project he recieved.

McGee stayed there for what seemed like forever but was only five minutes. Gibbs came looking for him to make sure he wasn't going to cut but he obviously couldn't without a blade. Rule nine is the only rule he ever broke on purpose every day. "McGee" Gibbs called "I'm not mad" acting as if McGee was three. Noticing there was only one locked cubicle and nobody else around Gibbs continued "I won't tell anyone, you can trust me Tim. Please open the door"

"I'm not gonna cut myself to death, that's one thing you don't have to worry about. Leave me alone, I need to think"

"Fine. I won't talk and you can think but I'm not going anywhere"

Ten minutes later and Gibbs was still there. McGee knew his stubborn boss wasn't going move but he still didn't know what to say so he came out of the cubicle and washed his hands then splashed a small amount of water in his face. "Come and see Ducky with me, we can talk things through" McGee hesitantly followed Gibbs down to autopsy to find Palmer on a lunch break and Ducky filling in a report.

"Hello Timothy, how are you feeling?" Asked the medical examiner

"I'm fine Ducky, I'm always fine"

"Well that cannot be the case even if you think it is. You are reflecting your emotional hurt on your body. We can talk about it Timothy. Neither me or Jethro will betray your trust if that is what you are worried about. Where are your most recent cuts?"

McGee unintentionally looked down to his arms "why should I tell or show you?"

"I am a Doctor, I wish to see if they are infected and if there is anything I can do to speed up the healing process mentally and physically"

"I know they aren't infected, I've been doing this long enough to know and I am mentally stable if that's what you are worried about"

"If you insist but if you do ever need me to take a look then please ask"

"Please leave me alone, both of you"

"We only want to help McGee" said Gibbs in an attempt to win McGee back.

"I know boss but I don't want it, I'm fine the way I am" with that McGee really did have enough. He got in the elevator, went to the bull pen, picked up his bag and left for home. It took less than an hour at work for him to leave in tears. The worst part was that McGee didn't know what else to do so all he wanted to do was cut to release the pressure building up inside of his head but Gibbs stayed with Ducky knowing full well what the younger agent was going to do.

"You cannot force him to stop Jethro"

"I know Duck but I really want to. He needs to know that he's going to regret it massively, especially when he does his next dangerous cut and realises what a stupid mistake it was"

"At the moment I fear for his safety as the boy knows no other coping mechanisms, please go after him but don't force anything and don't call it stupid. You should know this too, in his head this is the way to cope and is normality and is not stupid"

"I was going to go after him anyway Duck but I feel as though I was stupid back then that's why I want to show him" with that Gibbs left autopsy and drove even faster that usual to get to McGees apartment. He found himself hammering the door only to receive no response. He then kicked the door down with one kick and raced to find the agent. He was in the bathroom on the floor, conscious, but blood was everywhere. It dripped from every one of the twelve cuts on his arms and from countless cuts on the rest of his body. He didn't even look up at his boss before he started to cry again. McGee was wearing a short sleeved top and plain black shorts, Gibbs sighed and just wished he could make all of the scars go away. Gibbs embraced McGee in a very needed hug until the tears stopped and Gibbs could dress the wounds. McGee was organised enough to have used a sterilised blade and be surrounded by medical equipment he probably uses everyday. None of the wounds hit any major blood vessels but there was still a considerable amount of blood. Gibbs helped McGee to his bed to lie down whilst he cleaned up. It took about half an hour and by this time McGee was ready to talk but still struggled to get some of his words out.

"I-I-I'm s-sorry b-boss"

"There's no need to apologise Tim, we will get you through this"

"I-I s-suppose you can see all of my scars now"

"Not all Tim. I know I had to wrap a bandage around your stomach but I didn't look at the scars because it is for you to decide whether I see them or not"

McGee then took his top off and stood next to his bed with the sun shining through the window revealing every scar that wasn't covered up by a bandage."Oh Tim" Gibbs spoke in a soft and comforting voice "why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want or need to boss which would be the same reasons why you never told Mike and he found out on his own"

"I regret it all. How I didn't tell people, how I didn't talk when people found out and most of all…starting"

"This is really the only time I have ever regretted it. Now you and Ducky know I feel pressured to talk even though you yourselves aren't pressuring me"

"Would it help if I talked about my experience some more?"

"I really don't know boss. At this point I'm willing to try anything"

"Let's try it anyway. I pointed a gun to my face ready to pull the trigger until I had seen the pieces of glass around be from the bottle of empty bourbon I had finished and smashed. I picked up a piece and one at a time I made cuts up both of my arms, small at first but then they grew over time. I continued this until Mike found out a few months later. One of my sleeves slid up a bit too much when we were on a case but Mike took the hands on approach and forced me to roll up my sleeves. Right here" Gibbs pointed to the top of his arm near his shoulder "I have a scar in the shape of a love heart, I did that on the first anniversary of their deaths"

"Shannon and Kelly?"

"Yeah Tim and I don't want you to carry on like this but I also know that you have to stop in your own time. Don't be me Tim"

"It's too late boss"

"It's never too late Tim, especially for you. We can change this"

"Look at me! I'm covered in scars!" McGee then took his bandages off to reveal the rest of his scars "how am I supposed to come back from this?! The answer is that I don't!"

"You know what I see?" McGee stayed silent "look here" Gibbs pointed to a small unmarked area of skin "a chance" he then found another small patch of skin "and here. See Tim, there is still hope"

"No there isn't. You have got to be the only person to think like that. Take one more good look then take in every scar!" Shouted McGee as he stood up and started to pace.

"Tim, please calm down" Gibbs then looked at McGee and for the first time took in how much he had missed in the younger agents life "sit back down"

"I might as well kill myself now, nobody wants me, nobody needs me! I'm unlovable!" Tim looked to the floor really believing that it was all over.

"Snap out of this McGee!" Gibbs barked "look at me" McGee continued to look down "look at me" Gibbs repeated until he got a response "you are loveable. You are not only wanted but needed. Needed by your sister, your grandmother and us. Everyone needs you"

"Boss, I work with you everyday, I know how you manipulate people."

"For Gods sake McGee! You're like a son to me. I would never say anything like that if I didn't mean it"

"Like a son boss?" McGee questioned in a near silent whisper completely blown away by his bosses admission.

"Yeah McGee. I might not be the best dad in the world but I try to be. You, Tony, Ziva and Abby are my kids, Ducky is like a brother, Mike was like my Dad. Hell, I even feel responsible for Palmer as I did Gerald when he was here"

"But how am I like your son?"

"Abby handed me this fortune when we first met, she nearly forgot about it. It says 'today's new friends are tomorrows family' which I think about every day because although I lost Shannon and Kelly I still know that I have family here and you're part of it" McGee then just sat there completely baffled at what his boss had just said, he couldn't believe it. He then realised it was too good to be true.

"No, I know you boss I know you are only saying this to make me feel better no matter what you say I know none of this is true"

"I have never lied to you McGee and I don't intend to start now. I may have kept some of the truth withheld but I never lied to you" Gibbs was beginning to get frustrated now and McGee could see it. To McGee this meant Gibbs was being truthful.

"Okay boss, if you really mean it I believe you"

"Do you want me to re-dress the cuts?"

"I can do it boss"

"I could ring Ducky so he could have a look but only if you're ready"

"You can ring him if you want but I am not letting him lecture me"

"Fair enough, don't dress the wounds in new bandages yet" Gibbs then rung his close friend and left the room McGee was in.

"Autopsy"

"It's me Duck"

"How is he?"

"Fine, he agreed to let you have a look"

"I will be there in ten minutes"

"See you then"

"Hello Jethro, I expected Timothy to answer the door"

"Aww, am I a disappointment"

"Of course not Jethro, where is my patient?"

"In there Duck" Gibbs pointed towards McGees bedroom

"Hello Timothy, how are you feeling?"

"Nervous" McGee answered who had now already re-dressed his wounds with the old bandages and was now wearing a long sleeved dressing gown that also touches the floor.

"Very understandable, this is a big step forwards"

McGee was looking for that little bit of extra reassurance so he spoke up "Please, tell me one more time that this will not go any further. I know it won't but I just need to hear it being said"

"I promise my dear boy, that decision will always be up to you about who knows and remember that I am not forcing you to show me"

"Thank you, I think I want you to see so I can get some help"

"See, that is the first step and the most difficult. You want help"

McGee then took off his long gown to reveal that he was still wearing the same shorts and top. Ducky then asked him to remove his top but only if he was comfortable with it, at first he was hesitant but did remove it in the end.

"You know you could have come to me at any point Timothy"

"I know Ducky, I just didn't want to. It's just normal for me now"

"I understand Timothy" it was then silent for ten minutes as nobody wanted to talk about the wrong things. Ducky then spoke again "I have redressed the new cuts with clean bandages and made sure they are clean but infections can still occur so please be careful when redressing them yourself"

"Thank you Ducky"

"Please tell me if you need me to check anything medically or even if you just want a chat. I am here for you, we all are" with that Ducky headed to the door and Gibbs showed him out of McGees apartment.

"Thanks Duck, make sure nobody misses you at work"

"Don't worry Jethro, I told Mr Palmer I was taking an early break and that I would return soon enough"

Gibbs then went back into McGees room. He saw McGee getting dressed for work as if everything was okay. "You are not going back to work"

"I can't just stop the one thing that keeps me from going insane. Besides, I inflicted this upon myself so making an innocent family suffer all because I decided to do this is ridiculous"

"You need time to rest, the cuts need time to heal"

"I do this nearly everyday, what makes today any different?"

"Today two people found out what you have kept concealed for something like twenty years and you did more than ten cuts. I used to have a rule which was if I did more than ten cuts I needed a break. Today you did more than ten just on your arms which says to me you need the rest of today off at least"

"You know I can deal with this and I will deal with it but it will be my way boss. I also know how hopeless you, Tony and Ziva are with computers. The technology in the bullpen wouldn't last a day without me being there to fix it"

"The world will keep spinning without you McGee. The technology stuff would just have to wait for you to come back. I do have a question though"

"Ask away boss"

"What made you do so many cuts today and how much pressure do you believe you are under?"

"I think I did so many cuts because I was disappointed in myself for not hiding it well enough and I am constantly under pressure to be the one who produces all of his work on time. I am always the well behaved one who does the work others would find impossible in record time yet gets almost no recognition"

"Everything you do is appreciated everyone around you more than you could ever imagine. I know should say how good a job you actually do more often but this is the way things have always worked around me"

"I know boss but I still can't stop my head from thinking that I could have done better and that people are disappointed with the work I have done"

"I honestly have never been disappointed in you. I have only ever wanted to teach you to learn from your mistakes. And if I ask more of you then I believe you can do more. Tell me if I push you too far Tim because I have never worked with an agent like you before so I don't know your limits"

"What is an agent like me?"

"You are technology smart, good looking enough to divert some of the women's attention away from Tony, sensitive enough to take things I do and say personally when everyone else I know distances themselves from it"

"What about yesterday when you said I was brain dead?"

"That was me being a bastard. I was very out of line and very unprofessional yesterday because I got personally involved on a case. I broke one of my own rules then"

"Boss, I don't wanna do this anymore"

"Don't wanna do what?"

"Be me" McGee then started to look to the floor again as he lost his confidence "I cut my skin everyday in hope of finding some comfort and relief. It works but it is short lived and now when I look at some of the more significant scars I just have bad memories"

"Do you want to talk about them?"

"They're just silly memories of my father ignoring and rejecting me"

"They're not silly if they have an impact on you"

"Yes they are. Now please just let me go back to work"

"No Tim. If I have to I will handcuff you to your desk and leave you there I will do it"

"What about a compromise?" asked McGee "half a day off, I will come in after lunch"

"Half a day is not long enough"

"I have never taken any time off because of this and I don't intend to start now boss. I don't want families having sleepless nights and endless days because of me"

"Technically you already took this morning off"

"It hasn't been all morning and can actually be classed as my break"

"Okay, I will compromise. I know you have to do this your way and I know you will come into work anyway but please take in the advice I give you. Don't come in until after lunch"

"I won't boss. I will be there the moment you return with your lunchtime coffee"

"Get some rest then Tim because if you don't I won't let you come back into work" with that Gibbs left and McGee started to relax on his sofa watching telly. He set his alarm for 11:30am so he could get into work for midday then decided to write in his diary about his day so far.

Dear Diary

Today has been completely insane and it isn't even half way through. Gibbs and Ducky know about everything and I have to take half a day off. Gibbs was disappointed, I could see it in his face when I showed him the scars. Ducky remained neutral, he has probably seen it all before… sad, lonely and depressed person who has nowhere else to go. I might just have a sleep now though, I'm strangely tired.

12:10pm…

Gibbs was sat in the bullpen unsure as to McGees whereabouts. Part of he thought that the young agent had taken his advice but the other part knew something was wrong but there was little he could do about it as another body had just turned up but this time it was an NCIS agent. The agent was fairly new to Washington and was nicknamed Special Agent Green due to his quiet, rule following personality. Gibbs knew of the new guy and heard that he was good at his job, for a newby. Having him turn up in autopsy at such a young age was a devastating blow the heart of the entire agency. It was evident that it was their serial killers work as there was no fingerprints, no DNA and the same gun used in exactly the same way. The young boy had self harm scars up his arms but not as many as the serial killers previous victims. The scars were old and in the young lads past, he never hid them as he was comfortable with talking about it to people which was something Gibbs could only dream of. This serial killer has the potential to destroy hope to all those who self harm and to bring up the past of anyone who has ever self harmed no matter how long ago. Gibbs knew he had to catch this loon before the media got wind of it as this could set people back months in their recovery. This just made him worry about McGee even more. He decided to make a house call to McGees apartment as the younger agent broke rule three which he never does.

Ten minutes later Gibbs arrived at McGee's apartment. He knocked on the door only to notice that it was open with only a pen jammed in the doorway. With his weapon drawn he cautiously entered the apartment only to find it almost how it was before. Something was different. There was a book or some sort of a diary on the floor, a pen in the doorway and a pillow on the floor but there was still something else. The sofa had been moved to the left. Gibbs then put it back in its place but found that it covered a small amount of blood. There was no doubt that the killer was going to come back and clean up, he probably left the door open on purpose so he could get back into the apartment easily. Gibbs knew he had to find McGee soon. Ducky discovered that all of their current victims died less than a few hours after being reported missing but none before being reported missing which could mean that McGee had a bit more time. Gibbs then wasted no time in ringing Ducky and asking for his advice "what am I supposed to do Duck?"

"In this case Jethro I believe finding McGee alive and maybe sharing his secret would be more useful than finding him dead and keeping it"

"What if the killer changed his MO?"

"Why would he? Oh, that's a good idea but you would have to lie or at least implicate lies"

"I'm prepared to do that if it means not betraying McGees trust and keeping him alive"

"Well I will back you either way. Take pictures of everything if you have your camera as it will save Tony and Ziva going to the apartment. If they did go they would snoop just as much as they normally do, if not more and they may still discover what you are trying so had to hide. Also, don't forget to take a sample of the blood"

"I put too much pressure on him Duck"

"You weren't to know but now is not the time for guilt"

"I know but I still I should have known" Gibbs then hung up on Ducky before he could regale another story and rung DiNozzo. "McGee is missing DiNozzo"

"Boss it's Probie, he's probably at home playing fairy games"

"I'm at his home DiNozzo"

"I'm sending you the pictures I have taken through McGees laptop"

"Don't break anything boss" DiNozzo chuckled

"Find him DiNozzo! Track his cell, track the GPS in his car and put out a BOLO"

"Could the serial killer have changed his MO boss?"

"I don't know Tony. McGees car is missing and I can't see his cell phone here, maybe he is targeting the Navy in general"

"Could be boss. His car is at an abandoned gas station about a mile away from his apartment"

"What about his cell"

"Just checking it now and it looks like…"

"What DiNozzo? Spill!"

"I just got a text from Probie, says 'help, trapped, can't breathe, smell petrol' tracked it back to the petrol station but now the tracker has gone off"

"Someone turned it off" Gibbs then raced to his car, after picking up the notepad that was on the floor, and hung up on DiNozzo. It took him less than a minute to get to the station. He burst into the empty shopping area clearing the isles as he went. He then received a text from DiNozzo 'we r 5 min out boss' which he probably sent to make sure Gibbs was expecting them and wouldn't shoot them accidentally. The 'we' Gibbs presumed to be Ziva as nobody else drives that quickly other than her, that and the fact that DiNozzo can't multitask when it comes to texting at the wheel. Gibbs then entered the back of the store where all of the lights were out and the windows were covered in a black felt. From what Gibbs could see there were two rooms, one open holding some old and more than likely out of date stock, the other closed off and smaller with the odd crate. He cleared the big room first as an unwanted surprise wouldn't be appreciated then made his way to the more sinister looking room. The door was already open and he started to hear some movement. It was like something was stuck and could only just move. The sound came from one of the crates. Gibbs swept the rest of the room first and then turned his attention to the crate that appeared to be nailed shut. He then heard further noises, a lot like scratching. It took a couple of minutes but when he opened it he couldn't believe how stupid he had been. The phone, the car, the text…they were all decoys. "Stupid, stupid, stupid!" After hearing Gibbs shout the small creature in the box tried to hide as it backed away


	3. Mind of a serial killer

A/N: This chapter does not at all represent my thoughts on self harm, they are the twisted thoughts of a serial killer. (You will understand once you get to the end)

On that Tony arrived with Ziva "boss, did ya find him"

"What do you think DiNozzo?"

"I think Abby has a new pet. Who do you think she will name it after this time?"

"If she calls it bubble but we will know it's you DiNozzo. Now go and get the CCTV footage from the security guard at McGees apartment DiNozzo"

"So this was all to throw us off?"

Ziva then joined the conversation "Yes it was. I can't believe I didn't see it myself, we did things like this all of the time at Mossad"

"Ziva, go and find McGees phone and car. Don't touch them though, we need to see if he left a fingerprint this time"

"On it boss" they replied in almost perfect synchronisation. Gibbs was then left alone to think. The last time he made a mistake like this was on a kidnapping case of a Navy Commanders child but Mike spotted it then. He never forgave himself for that mistake and he won't for this one. Gibbs then sat down leaning against the crate he recently opened and pulled his sleeve up. There was one significantly big scar that was about 10cm long but it ran vertically up his arm and was deep enough to need stitches at the time. That scar represented one of the biggest mistakes Gibbs made on the job and he had never considered doing it again, until now. Gibbs head slapped himself for even thinking about it but it was one of the many thoughts that haunted him from his past. Today of all days for this to happen. The anniversary of their deaths. Every year he would promise himself that he wouldn't cut but every year something happened which meant he ended up cutting or was already feeling enough physical pain so that he didn't have to cut but even then he was still tempted. He was then awoken from his trance by Ziva. "The phone was in McGees car. Are you okay?" Questioned the young Mossad agent "you look upset Gibbs"

"Of course I am upset Ziva" Gibbs responded calmly "I don't want to lose another agent"

"We will find him"

"I know we will. It's a question of if we will in time"

"We will Gibbs. So if the phone was in the car and he wanted to to avoid detection he would have the keys"

"He probably dumped them somewhere"

"Do you need a key card to access McGees apartment building?"

"I always bang the window till someone answers"

"There should be an electronic record"

"Tony should still be there. Ring him and tell him to ask for the last entry from McGees card thing and check it against security footage"

"Already on it Gibbs" now he was finally regaining control of his emotions thanks to the new glimpse of hope. Ziva then spoke again "apparently McGees card was used just five minutes before Tony got there and it was not long after you left according to the security guard"

"He was watching us the whole time. Doesn't the security guard have to check passes and things"

"No, so long as they have the card they have access in and out of the building"

"Did he not witness the guy entering the building?"

"That is a question for Tony. I am going to drive McGees car back to HQ with my gloves on before you ask"

"I will be right behind you" Gibbs replied to Ziva. He then proceeded to get the scruffy looking animal out of the wooden crate. It could just about walk without collapsing so he was obviously very weak and neglected. He decided to pick up the creature and place it in the passenger seat of his car which it seemed to appreciate. It didn't take that long to get back to HQ and once they arrived Gibbs carried the dog to Abby who obviously jumped at the opportunity to take care of another lost animal. Gibbs then discovered that there were also no fibres, fingerprints or DNA in the car however, there was a partial fingerprint on the cell phone but there is every chance that it is McGees although, there was still hope that the killer had slipped up.

After running the print against AFIS for more than an hour everyone knew that it wasn't McGees as they started the search on their team members just in case one of them had picked up the phone recently. The killer on the security footage was wearing a plain back hoodie and was turned away from the camera, all signs of a pro. Then the moment Gibbs returned from the coffee run to Abby's lab they got a ding. Everyone was there anxiously awaiting the results including Ducky, Palmer and the director who knew nothing of what was going on with McGee other than the fact he was missing. "Elliot Guy Bond" Abby announced "owns an abandoned piece of farm land at the address I have just sent to your phone Gibbs and yours Ziva since I presume you two will be driving in separate cars"

"That's great work Abbs, keep digging. Ducky physc profile will be good now we have some information about him, Palmer you can help Doctor Mallard. DiNozzo you ride with Ziva and Leon I need you to get local LEO's, FBI, CIA or anyone clearing a one mile perimeter for us"

"You don't need to ask twice Gibbs, bring him back" replied the Director. With that Gibbs left a Caf-Pow on Abby's desk and ran to catch the elevator containing the remainder of his field team"

The farm was based about an hours drive away but everyone knew that the drive would take less than forty five minutes for the both cars, luckily DiNozzo had enough time to pick up his new packet of twenty sick bags before they all left. They were only fifteen minutes in when the Director rang giving an update about the mile perimeter being successful.

Meanwhile, in the barn…

McGee and Elliot were 'talking'. McGee was wearing a short sleeved top with his arms tied up above his head and his toes only just touching the ground. "So what do you have against people like me?" Questioned a very tired special agent who was trying to keep his potential killer busy. "I have nothing against you as a person just how weak you are"

"What about those who commit suicide?"

"They are strong enough to admit that they can no longer handle this world"

"What if you just want to feel the pain?"

"You shouldn't want to feel pain. I am here to finish what you started and put you out of your misery"

"But the chances are by doing that you make more people like me"

"Then I continue to kill. I will exterminate this weakness from my navy in all sectors which includes investigators like you"

"You've served then?"

"Two tours to Iraq, doctors recon I have a mental disorder but I know I don't"

"How long have you been killing?"

"Ever since I was honourably discharged from the Navy. I got bored of burying you people, you don't deserve proper graves. Originally however, I dug proper graves and marked them with things from the natural surroundings. I even made some of the coffins."

"How many have you killed?"

"I honestly don't know, too many to count"

"After me who is next?"

"Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs, I believe you know him."

A/N: So what do you think, I know it is really short but I though it would be a good place to leave it for now as my other stories want some attention too (and some serious grammar corrections). By the way a big big big huge thank you to my reviews so far. Remember to never give up hope, it's the strongest and most powerful emotion around (not to mention my favourite)


	4. The Big Rescue?

A/N: Hello everyone :-) Hope I didn't keep you all waiting too long for this one

Still ten minutes out the team pushed their cars to their physical limits. DiNozzo swore he would never need to watch another 'Fast and Furious' film ever again but other than that he was silent, as was Ziva. All they could think about was getting their friend back but nobody could even guess what was going through Gibbs' head. Questions like 'is he dead' and 'will he be tortured' appeared frequently. Part of Gibbs hoped that the agent was being tortured just so it would give them more time for the rescue.

But back at the barn McGee was still alive arguing Gibbs' corner, not his own. "What about the people who put this in their pasts?"

"Makes no difference. At some point they self harmed and now they pay for that weakness."

"But what if it is no longer a weakness of theirs? The people who get over this are stronger than you can ever know"

"Old habits die hard, especially for people in your profession."

"Who was it for you then?"

"I don't understand your question."

"Who did you grow up with that self harmed? A brother, sister, parent, aunt, carer. I could guess forever."

"I had no siblings. I had no mother around whilst I was growing up. It was just me and my dad from start till end. But he self harmed everyday and was extremely depressed. One day I came home from doing the shopping to find a suicide note and my dad lying on the kitchen floor in a pool of blood. He cut his wrists so deep you could see bone on both arms. He was weak and pathetic for giving up on his recovery. He once went a week without it but he gave up and so will you. The other thing I know is that Gibbs will never get over his self harm and when everyone knows about it he will retreat back to his old self fully."

"So you're not just going to kill him?"

"No, I intend to prove myself right. You people will always return to your old ways"

"Not always"

"When put under enough pressure you do. I have done this enough times to know exactly when you people are going to break."

"Everyone has their ways of coping, this killing is probably yours"

"But mine isn't a weakness, it is a strength"

"Others see it differently"

"I don't care, I will eliminate you people from the planet one by one. However, Gibbs' death is one I shall take great pleasure in. He and my father had a run in on a case a while back. Your boss threatened to get the courts to take me away from my dad if he didn't give up the information he wanted. That is when my dad slipped away from me for good, there was no recovering after that"

"But you weren't taken away in the end were you?"

"No, but the stress was enough to push him over the edge"

"So that was when he committed suicide?"

"Yeah, none of this matters now anyway. You are going to be dead and I will be the one to kill you." He then proceeded to tease McGee about all of the other ways he could kill him and the ways he has killed several of his other victims. He apparently saved the NCIS agents he knew of until last for his 'grand finale' before disappearing. This whole charade took about ten minutes which was all the time the team needed. Unknown to the killer his place was surrounded by an alphabet soup of law enforcement agencies. Sadly it seems that they had all lost people to this lunatic. Gibbs and Fornell approached the main entrance whilst DiNozzo and Ziva took the side. All of this physco's weapons were on display for everyone to see. There were about twenty knifes and fifteen guns just sat there waiting to be used. The team had the element of surprise in their arsenal along with posh mini cameras sat on their shoulders. They fed straight into MTAC where Abby, Ducky, Jimmy and director Vance nervously awaited the outcome of the raid. Gibbs announced their entry "federal agents, put the weapon down." He could see where McGee had been teased with a blade from fresh wounds.

"Agent Gibbs, how did you find me? I'm not ready for you yet."

"I'm gonna say it one more time Elliot, put the weapon down." Fortunately his weapon of choice for McGee was an already bloody knife so there was no immediate danger of the team being shot. "You and agent McGee are destined to die by my hand."

"No. But if you don't put that knife down I will shoot you"

"You're different to how I remember you, sadder. What if you miss the shot?"

"I won't" replied an extremely angry Gibbs. Elliot then raised the knife to slit McGees throat but Gibbs immediately took the shot. Not to the head or heart, no fatal wounds. A shot to the foot had him hopping around like a kangaroo until he was cuffed. "What happened to you in those homes after your dad died Elliot?" Asked an ever curious Gibbs who wanted to see what could possibly have turned such an innocent, sweet boy into a killing machine. "Stuff you will never know you bastard!" Elliot shouted from the top of his lungs as Fornell dragged him away.

They all then raced towards McGee and the paramedics were called in. Gibbs cut the rope that had bound McGees hands to the roof for the past few hours. As the young agents feet touched the ground they collapsed only to be caught by Tony and Ziva. Elliot chose the blade for McGees fate so he forced him to wear a vest top and shorts which were very similar to the ones the agent wore at home. This not only showed where Elliot's blade had been dragged across his skin but all of his scars and self inflicted cuts. Not knowing what their friend had been through Tony and Ziva gave each other the 'ask later' look. None of the cuts made by Elliot required stitches but they did need a good clean which was done on site. The paramedics asked for a word with Gibbs but McGee knew what they were talking about. Gibbs just dismissed them as he knew about the entire situation and hopefully he was keeping it under a certain amount of control.

Elliot, Fornell, Ziva and Tony made their way back to NCIS for a late night whilst Gibbs drove McGee back to his apartment. Unbelievably, McGee got changed into a fresh set of clothes and asked Gibbs to drive him back to HQ to which Gibbs obviously refused, at first. "Go to bed, get some sleep"

"Do you really expect me to sleep here, tonight? After everything that has happened."

"Stop at my house then"

"You leave it unlocked day and night, that isn't going to make me feel safe. Let me come to work, I will stop in Abby's lab and I won't work the case unless you want me to."

"McGee, you're one of my agents, I know you will try and work the case. Now we have caught him all we have to do is establish that he was working alone, question him and finish the paperwork."

"And all of the evidence gathered should prove that he works alone?" Asked a curious Probie.

"Yes" Gibbs thought very carefully before reminding Tim about what the team saw. "Tony and Ziva have seen all of the scars." McGee stopped in his tracks and thought back to the clothes he was forced to wear. "They didn't say anything"

"They will, to me."

"Boss, you have got to let me come into work and try to explain myself."

"You don't have to do that Tim"

"I want to, they deserve an explanation after all of that. I also want to tell Abby before everyone else does and before the rumours spread"

"Did nobody tell you?"

"Tell me what?"

"The cameras were streaming a video into MTAC where everyone was watching"

"When you say everyone…"

"I mean Palmer, Ducky, the director and Abby as well as various people other agencies that couldn't join in on the raid themselves "

"But boss, you knew about the scars and you allowed it to happen?"

"I had no choice Tim, directors from three agencies requested it as well as SecNav"

"How am I supposed even leave the house Gibbs? You have known for a day and look what has happened."

"When you next walk out of that door you will hold your head up high because you have done nothing wrong"

"But everyone knows! I didn't even get to tell them myself Gibbs, this isn't fair"

"Life isn't fair McGee, get used to it. You can go to work everyday feeling ashamed if you really want to but you have done nothing wrong"

"I don't think I will be able to cope with it boss"

"Yes you can. Stop doubting yourself"

"Will everyone know what Elliot meant when he said that he wasn't ready for you"

"I don't know Tim but our lives can't stop because of him and our scars. We made them so we carry on without making a fuss about how we feel, don't let them stop you now."

"But…"

"No but's Tim. Have you got a change of clothes?"

"In my bag, why?"

"Cmon then" Gibbs gave in but only because he knew McGee wasn't going to feel safe in his own place and obviously Gibbs' house had no locks on. Who wouldn't feel safe in a securely guarded naval base?

After a steady ten minute drive Gibbs and McGee made their way towards the NCIS building only to be stopped by McGees hesitation. "Boss"

"What's wrong Tim?"

"I don't think I can do it."

"Of course you can, you're nearly there already. The door is three metres away."

"What if I get bombarded with questions and I can't cope? What if people hate me for it and try to get rid of me? What if I lose people close to me?"

"None of that is going to happen, come inside and see. There's not even that many people here considering it is midnight."

"You sure boss?" Asked McGee but he received no answer as Gibbs just continued to walk. McGee followed as he didn't want to be left alone after the days recent traumatic events. They both got in the elevator and stood silently, side by side until they reached the bull pen. They both headed for their desks but were stopped by the director. Ziva and Tony were already there awaiting their instructions from Gibbs so they were confused when the director stopped them. "McGee" Leon spoke calmly "you are not cleared to be here. To go back to work you need to pass your fitness for work eval, you know this." He then turned to Gibbs "you know this too Special Agent Gibbs so don't even think about trying to get around it." In response to this Gibbs half smiled, whispered something to McGee and began working his charm on the director. This allowed McGee to slip past to go down to Abby's lab. Gibbs said in the car journey that he would be there when McGee was going to speak to Abby but this meant that he couldn't. He knew that delaying it any longer would be pointless, especially if the director forces him to leave the building so 'here goes nothing' he thought.

"Hey Abbs"

"Oh McGee" she sighed in a relieved voice as she ran to hug him.

"I like your new boots" said Tim in a weak attempt to distract Abby.

"Thanks I got them from… wait a second. Don't even think about it. I have questions that need answers Tim."

"I know you do" McGee looked down in shame knowing full well what questions were coming.

"I'm not gonna force them outta you Timmy, it would be nice to know though." Abby thought that this might reassure her friend so he would hold his head high again but she was wrong so she continued so it would be over quicker for Tim. "How long have you been doing it?"

"Since I was a young teenager"

"How often?"

"Everyday"

"Why"

"Relief"

"And why didn't you tell me? I'm not just talking about recently either, what about when we were together?"

"I didn't want to burden anyone else"

"Now do you know that it wouldn't have been a burden?"

"Yeah, but it's a bit late"

"But not too late Timmy" Abby then hugged him again but tighter until she realised that he needed to breathe. Tim smiled at the realisation of how much Abby cares and Abby smiled back. Gibbs then arrived spoiling the moment with bad but inevitable news. "The director won't allow you to even stick to desk work until your evaluation but you are allowed to stay in the navy yard. He even offered the sofa in his office for you to sleep on if it makes you feel safer."

"See McGee, everyone cares" said Abby grinning from ear to ear looking at her best friend the way she used to. That very same look people give each other in a loving relationship but Abby kept them thoughts to herself. She always has and always will. Tim obviously thought nothing of it as her still only sees her as a friend. "We are a family and we are all here for each other, they will all understand"

"I can't see them doing that Abby. Me and Palmer have been pretty tight recently so this could just ruin everything, Ziva will probably say how pathetic it is and Tony will just mock me every step of the way. It's pointless confronting them."

"If you think that Tim you really don't know them" interrupted Gibbs.

"Boss, everyone knows now. I can't deal with it."

"McGee, look at me" the young agent turned to face his boss. "You're not the first person to do this and you definitely won't be the last. You come and see me about anyone you are having issues with but most of the people who watched won't even consider spreading details of this"

"The key word there is 'most'. What about the ones who will?"

"McGee, it is going to be fine. The storyline of us finally catching that bastard will overshadow your self harm"

"I hope you're right boss."

"C'mon Timmy, when is Gibbs ever wrong?" Butted in Abby.

It was then that Tim decided to speak to Palmer first. For some reason he seemed more approachable than a Mossad ninja. Abby then hugged McGee and let them both leave. In the elevator McGee asked Gibbs a question and in response he flipped the elevator switch. "What does the director think of me boss?"

"Snap out of it McGee" replied Gibbs who promptly slapped him on the back of the head. "Stop caring about what people think, there is nothing you can do about this now but you can stop worrying about how other people see you. As a person nothing has changed about you so why should their thoughts be any different?"

"But boss…"

"Do I need to make it a rule?"

"No boss." The elevator was then switched back on to go down to autopsy. Obviously the journey was a short one so he didn't have much time to consider what he was going to say.

"I'm taking Ducky out for coffee so take your time talking to Palmer"

"Thanks boss, you've been a brilliant help." To this Gibbs just nodded and smiled that half smile he does when things come together. Ducky was waiting for Gibbs outside the elevator with his hat, coat and umbrella whilst Palmer was pacing autopsy. He was obviously worried about the conversation too.

"Hey Jimmy, how ya doin?"

"I'm doing good Tim, what about you?" Asked Palmer who stopped in his tracks after seeing his friend at the door.

"I'm doing okay, sort of" McGee smiled half heartedly at his friend.

"You know Tim, I'm a good listener despite how much I talk and I also never tell secrets."

"I know you are. This was just something I wasn't ready to share with everyone but there is nothing I can do about it now."

"I can understand that. You know if you didn't want to see Ducky for any reason and you needed medical assistance then you can call me."

"Thank you Jimmy. Is this gonna affect us as friends at all?"

"Of course not Tim, you should know me better than that by now. I can see that you don't really want to be doing this right now though."

"It's only because I wanted to tell you all when I was ready but some psychopathic serial killer forced my hand"

"It's tough but you'll get through it because you have a brilliant family here. Me, Tony, Ziva, Gibbs, Dr Mallard and even the director, none of us want to see you go through this on your own."

"Thank you Jimmy, this means a lot to me"

"No problem, don't be a stranger about this to me Tim, I'm your friend not an enemy." With that Tim left autopsy and made his way through the bull pen to the other elevator that would take him outside. Tony and Ziva appeared to have vanished off the face of the earth as they were nowhere to be seen so Tim decided to go and get some coffee, he definitely needed it if he was going to speak to his co-workers. On his way out Tim bumped into the director who reminded him of the fitness for work eval that needed to be on his desk sooner rather than later but no matter how much he wanted it he couldn't see a psychologist tonight. They definitely wouldn't sign off on it as he would look too desperate plus, he needed his sleep if he was to get back to work anytime soon.

By the time McGee returned with his coffee Gibbs had apparently sent Tony and Ziva home. For a moment he thought 'time to go home' then he remembered just what had happened today so he headed to Abby's lab instead. The gothic scientist was just leaving and gave her friend a goodbye hug. As he entered the room he noticed an orange sleeping bag set on the floor with Bert the hippo and just thought about how good his friends really are.

A/N: So I hope you all enjoyed reading it, quite a long chapter in comparison to my last one. Don't forget to tell me your opinions in the reviews, all constructive criticism is appreciated. :-) :-)


	5. The nightmares begin

A/N: Hello again, glad to see that you are still reading my story :-) Time for an appearance by a certain doctor I think...

Wednesday 3am

After what felt like a short nap McGee woke from a nightmare which involved him being dead and Elliot going after Gibbs so all he could do was sit and watch. The team didn't know where his body was and had no clue Gibbs was the next target. It got to the point of Elliot having Gibbs in the same position as he did McGee, hands bound by string above his head and Gibbs in a very sorry state. The very same knife being dragged along his skin and in the same barn but this time his boss had given up. There was a defeated look in his eye and with no more fight left in him the body of his missing agent was revealed. Gibbs felt entirely responsible. The knife was then held to his throat and he awoke. Breathing erratically he reached for his bag to get a drink of water. This was going to be the first of many sleepless nights. The young agent paced around the room then went for a walk on the roof to clear his head. From there he could see the many thousands of stars on view to the world and realised how beautiful they are yet so simple. Once calm he thought he could try and sleep again but he was wrong. It took him half an hour to get back to sleep only to wake up again an hour later at 4:30am with a different nightmare which involved him being back in the same situation but in a different and frantic mind-set giving Eliot the reaction he thrived on. Deciding to do the sensible thing he took a couple of the sleeping tablets he found in a box at the bottom of his bag. He started to feel drowsy soon enough but only then did he consider the blade that was now stashed in the zip pocket of his bag, thankfully it was too late. The sleeping pills took him right the way through to 10am but that doesn't mean that there wasn't any more nightmares.

Gibbs told everyone to get in for midday due to yesterday's late night. So Tim decided to seek out the name of the psychiatrist scheduled for his fitness for work evaluation. It turned out to be the one and only Dr Kate's sister, Rachael Cranston. How on earth could he talk to her about all of this? She is close friend of the entire team, it would just feel wrong.

Midday came around soon enough and so did McGee's scheduled time with Dr Cranston. Although they greeted each other as friends, they both knew this had the potential to put an end to Tim's job be it temporary or permanent.

"Agent McGee, nice to see you again"

"And you"

"So, how are you coping?"

"I'm coping just fine thank you"

"Tell me, what actually happened last night?"

"You've read the report, you know what happened doctor and believe it or not I'm fine"

"Okay, how did you sleep last night?"

"Slept right through from about 1 to 11, a solid 10 hours sleep"

"The bags under your eyes say otherwise Tim"

"However I do feel fully refreshed and ready to work"

Knowing Tim was holding back Dr Cranston changed tactics "How does it feel?"

"How does what feel?"

"Everyone knowing about your self harm?"

"I-i-It d-doesn't bother me"

"Now we both know you are lying. You can talk to me; I'm not going to take your job away from you unless it is absolutely necessary to your full mental recovery and I can tell from the way you are holding it together right now that I don't need to do that."

"You already know what I'm like from last time you visited doc, do I seem any different?"

"No you don't which concerns me slightly. Right now talking is a better option."

After weighing up the options in his head Tim decided to talk. "It annoys me; I wanted to tell people in my own time"

"That is understandable, how do you cope with the urges at work?"

"I force myself to leave my blades at home so it doesn't interfere with this part of my life" this wasn't really lying, it just wasn't telling her about the blade he has in his possession.

"That is a good idea but you must be tempted"

"Yes but when you're trying to quit it's the best thing for it"

"How long have you been trying to stop?"

"Long enough to say I need a different tactic"

"Who knew prior to last night?"

"Ducky apparently knew for a while but Gibbs has only known for a couple of days."

"Nobody else?"

"Kate knew" McGee smiled at the memory that appeared in his head, Dr Cranston took this as a positive sign. "She was always kind enough to leave little notes around to cheer me up and keep me going."

"You miss her?"

"Yeah, we all do but we wouldn't be who we are today if things happened differently."

"So are you going to tell me how you slept last night or do I have more work to do?"

Deciding to be honest he gave up the information about the minor difficulty he was faced with last night. "It was a bit of a rough night, couple of nightmares. No big deal."

"What did they entail?"

"Me being dead with Gibbs being next in one and me panicking in the other, I woke up after both"

"Anymore?"

"Yes but they were broken and I took sleeping pills to get me through. Plus they were just the same sort of dream."

"

It says here that you were taken from your house, is that where you slept last night?"

"No, I slept in Abby's lab with a sleeping bag and her stuffed hippo Bert"

"Where do you think you will sleep tonight?"

"Hopefully here, I don't think I'm ready to face my apartment again just yet"

"You have to face it sometime"

"Maybe tomorrow night"

"What about your friends houses?"

"If you mean the team me and Abby have history which is a bit bumpy so it doesn't want repeating, Tony has a one bedroomed apartment and sofa isn't the comfiest, Gibbs never locks his doors and I don't even know where Ziva lives let alone the number of bedrooms she has"

"You don't call them your friends?"

"Well, I guess Abby is but Gibbs really is just my boss and I still don't know where I stand with Tony and Ziva after them finding out he way they did. I suppose Palmer is a friend too come to think of it but I don't want to impose on him and his new girlfriend."

"Seeing that the best thing for you is to return back to work as soon as possible I will sign your fitness for work evaluation as passed but I want to see you back sleeping at home by next week and for you to have cleared the air with Tony and Ziva too. Same place same time next week Tim, don't let me down."

"Thank you Dr Cranston"

"But if these things don't happen I will definitely be withdrawing my evaluation. Do you understand?" Tim only nodded in response to this.

With his signed sheet he exited the room calmly then sprinted to see the director. He accepted the form with no queries however he did want to make sure for himself that his agent was ready for field duty, he would never forgive himself if something happened because he didn't check. "Take a seat Agent McGee" Vance spoke softly. "How are you feeling?"

"Feeling fine Sir, ready to work"

"Are you sure you don't want some time off? What you went through must have been extremely traumatic"

"The best thing for me to do is work it off Sir, I won't let anyone down"

"Very well, I won't keep you any longer" Tim nodded at the director as he left and was very eager to inform his boss of the good news.

As he headed down to the bullpen he realised that Tony and Ziva were there so he decided to put off the news but Gibbs had other ideas. He called his agent over who was walking down the stairs. "So?" questioned an impatient Gibbs.

"I passed, a couple of things have to be sorted by next week but I passed"

"Well done Tim. Since we don't have a case I'm calling it a day so we can all go home, be in bright and early tomorrow but if get a case between now and tomorrow I will be calling you all in." Tony and Ziva didn't have to hear those words twice before heading towards the elevator and they expected their co-worker to follow right behind them except he walked to the other side of the bullpen and presumably to Abby's lab. As the doors closed Tony noticed that Gibbs seemed to have quite a tight grip on McGee's shoulder but thought nothing of it. McGee wasn't dragged out of the bull pen he didn't particularly want to go with Gibbs as he could tell there were questions to be asked with the way his bosses face turned red with anger. Obviously Gibbs shut the elevator down to speak to McGee but he didn't expect this… "What is this?" Gibbs questioned pulling something out of his pocket.

"Boss why did you go through my bag?"

"If I never found a blade I would have been shocked but because I know you and what you are going through I knew there would be one. You are not having this back and I'm only doing this because sometimes I wished someone would just take the opportunity away from me."

"B-b-boss I haven't even used it since I have been here"

"I know but you still bought it with you which means that you have been thinking about it"

McGee thought about not having it and maybe it was a good idea. At least that was what he thought until the urges started to attack him. A few of the less intense ones passed with ease and he was proud of himself for dealing with them but, just as things started to get better a really intense wave of pressure hit him which he couldn't ignore so he went for a walk. It distracted him long enough for him to find Abby who had decided to stay back a little longer than the field team. He didn't speak to her, he just sat there on a stool next to her. She knew that he just needed someone to be near and he knew Abby would be there. The strong urges passed and Abby started talking to her friend. "How you feeling now then?"

"Good"

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"Not really Abbs, it's not too difficult"

"I am here for you Timmy" Abby smiled at him before he left.

Choosing to do the sensible thing Tim went for a walk off the base to clear his head. He walked to a nearby supermarket and bought a couple of toiletries that he had forgotten to bring from home but he was then faced with the he opportunity to buy some razor blades, this time he gave in. Besides, who would know but him?

When he got back he put his stuff in Abby's lab and hid the blades where even Gibbs wouldn't find them. He then went to visit Ducky to get his dressings changed but there was no escaping his questioning.

"Ahh, Timothy. How are you holding up?"

"Just fine Ducky. Do you have a minute to change my dressings?"

"I always have time for family, take a seat" Ducky tapped his had on a free metal table.

McGee jumped straight up onto the table but groaned slightly at the pain, he forgot that the wounds were still healing. "I'm not used to the sort of cuts he did"

"I expect not my dear boy. How do you feel in terms of everything that has been going on?"

"Fine I guess, I'm really trying not to cut but it is really difficult"

"It will be, quitting the habit of a life time is a daunting task for anyone. Trying to stop completely straight off may not be the best thing for you, maybe gradually reducing it could be a better option. Reducing it by any amount is an achievement, even by one cut a fortnight."

"It definitely won't feel like one"

"But you don't know that yet"

"I do, it will feel like I have failed" Ducky had to rethink his approach seeing that the agent was having doubts.

"Okay, so when you do cut how many times do you do it?"

"About five, sometimes more, sometimes less"

"And how often is that?"

"Daily"

"So you can do this one of two ways. Cut five times every two days or four times everyday, and don't do it at all if you don't feel the need"

"But I would still be cutting and I don't think Gibbs would appreciate it"

"You would be surprised Timothy, it took a lot for him to get to where he is now" little did McGee know Gibbs still had big issues with this subject no matter how far he has come. Ten minutes later McGee left with all new bandages around his stomach, ribs and legs. As he was leaving he bumped into Gibbs who guessed that McGee's bandages had just been changed from the way he was limping, if there is one thing Ducky isn't an expert in it was bandaging legs in a way that blood still flowed to the toes properly. Ducky was disappointed to see Gibbs because he already knew what he had done just from what day it was.

A/N: So, what did you think? Will little Timmy get over all of this? And what exactly has Gibbs done to disappoint Ducky?

As always constructive criticism appreciated.


	6. Gibbs' secret and McGee's mess

**A/N: Sorry it has** **been so long since I last updated but I hope this extra long chapter makes up for it. :-)**

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"Jethro, we have been through this every year since I have known you. Nothing you could have done would have prevented their deaths and that child was found and returned to her parents. You need to stop this. Where is it this time?"

"Same place it always is Duck" Gibbs lifted his sleeve to allow Ducky access to the cut that ran vertically up his arm.

"When did you do this?" questioned Ducky who was concerned about the lack of blood from such a significantly sized cut.

"Last night, the 28th February"

"Did you by any chance faint from blood loss?"

"Nope, just didn't want to wake you at 5am"

"You know this needs stitches don't you?"

"Just stick a bandage on it, it will be fine. That's what I did."

"No, this time I am doing it properly. Here you go" Ducky passed Gibbs his best bottle of Bourbon from the drawer. "If any psychiatrist knew about this your job would be over"

"That's why I come to you Duck"

"Jethro, this cut is deeper and loner that usual"

"I know, I can tell from your reaction and how much it hurts. Gee, careful Duck, that hurts."

"I will keep pulling on these stitches if you don't tell me why"

"Ow, get off, fine" Ducky ceased his yanking on the thread "it's because I never saw what was happening to McGee, I probably made it worse and then I allowed him to be kidnapped and for the entire world to know about his self-harm"

"How do you know that this won't just push him into stopping, or force him into facing everything he has been through? You don't Jethro."

"Duck, please. This is my way of coping"

"Every year I have to try and go to sleep knowing what you are doing. Knowing you're in pain and knowing that I will be trying to fix it the next day. This isn't fair on me anymore."

"I'm sorry Duck; it is just my way of keeping my girls alive and getting rid of guilt"

"You can keep them alive through talking about them, every day if you need to, I would love to know more about them. Almost anything is better than this. As for the guilt, accept it, don't take it out on yourself. Now is there anything else that needs patching up?"

"No, and I'm not lying before you even try your mind games"

"You better go home and rest up then Jethro"

"Not a chance Duck, I have to make sure McGee is okay."

"He is safe here"

"From other people? Yes. But from himself? No."

"You need to take care of yourself first or there will be nobody left to look after your team."

"How many times have you known me do this any just carry on?"

"That is not the point. I know you can carry on but you really shouldn't"

"Okay, how would you feel if we discovered McGee tomorrow morning with his wrist slashed to bits lying on the floor in Abby's lab surrounded by a puddle of blood when checking on him would of saved his life?"

"We both know how unlikely that is to happen"

"That's the point Duck; we don't know how bad it is. He won't open up properly to either of us, nor Dr Cranston. The only way to make sure he is okay is to monitor him, closely."

"Do you even know how much the poor lad has been through these past few days? Do you not remember how everything felt? Don't you remember saying "my world is falling apart"? It is different for him, this is the single worst thing he has ever had to experience in his entire life and you are crowding him."

"Okay Duck, I will check on him now then I will go home. Fair?"

"Only if you stick to it"

"I will"ded he added as he exited autopsy.

Giving a bit of thought to what Ducky said Gibbs decided to get coffee and then check up on Tim but little did he know Tim was already planning to do something that Gibbs wouldn't approve of.

Tim thought this through over a million times. He thought of all the reasons not to do it then all of the reasons to do it. Each time it didn't matter, he was going to do it anyway but this time it was different. Before he would just do it and patch himself up but now there is a feeling of guilt before he has even done anything. The fact that people know and are helping him made him feel worse. He has come this far already, why spoil it now? He had been having these thoughts for the past 10 minutes now but he already had the blade in his hand, clean and sterilised. He thought about what Ducky said and he did it, the temptation was too much for him to deal with. He only had the chance to make one cut before Gibbs saw him. He didn't run to stop the younger agent from doing it again but he watched and tried to understand what he got out of it but all Gibbs saw was a reflection of his own emotions. He then walked over to Tim who was surprisingly unaware of his boss's presence but then again what's new? Gibbs spoke calmly but still startled the younger man.

"Boss! You s-scared t-the life outta me" Gibbs half smiled at the response.

"So did you give up?" Gibbs asked looking down at the newest wound.

"No, I spoke to Ducky and he explained that even if I just reduce it slowly I will be winning" the agent looked down thinking that his boss would go nuts at him.

"Yep, he's right" Tim looked up in shock. "If you just reduce it slowly you will eventually get there and everything will work out. It is better if you can just stop but I suppose that could also be too much of a shock"

"So you understand then?"

"Of course I do"

"Can I ask a personal question boss?"

"Shoot" Gibbs replied as he took a sip from his freshly made coffee.

"How often do you still do it?"

He guessed that question was coming. "Once a year, same date, same place, same scar, never heals, never let it heal"

"Why?"

"I think you already know the answer to that question Tim"

"Oh, I didn't think about that"

"Now, do you feel as though you need to do more or do you want to get cleaned up?"

"I think I have done enough for now, can't promise I won't do more later though"

"You wanna clean it up yourself or do you wanna go down to Ducky?"

"I think I'll do it myself boss, but thanks"

"Do you want to go for a walk after to talk about it?"

"Sure boss"

"Okay, meet you outside in twenty minutes?"

"See you there." Tim then proceeded to clean up his bloody mess, both on the floor and on his arm. He was quite proud of himself as these wounds appeared to be nowhere near as severe as his more recent cuts. It didn't take long to sort everything out; he cleaned his blade thoroughly and packed it all away into a clean handy box, a bit like a mini first aid box.

Tim walked outside exactly on time and spotted Gibbs who was early as usual. He was in the line waiting for coffee and headed over towards his boss who just signalled to an empty bench. A couple of minutes later Gibbs turned up with coffee for the both of them, Tim had his with two sugars and a drop of milk, he never told anyone this but Gibbs seemed to know. "So, why'd ya do it?" Gibbs asked, always straight to the point.

"I couldn't resist the urges anymore and I guess I'm still beating myself up about everything that happened"

"Which parts of the past few days have been bugging you?"

"You finding out and me obviously not being discreet enough for a start even though it has probably worked out for the better, not seeing any warning signs of Elliot being around, forgetting what it's like to be self-harm free and not sorting things out with Tony and Ziva."

"Well, you can't help being allergic to ivy which is when Ducky saw the scars. Elliot is a serial killer so he has had plenty of practice at kidnappings and murders so it is definitely not worth punishing yourself over and we can sort things out with Ziva and Tony."

"What can I do about forgetting what it is like to be self-harm free?"

"That is the one thing I just don't know about, I can't really remember myself"

"At least you are self-harm free 364 days a year" McGee commented in a defeated tone.

"Just because I don't do it doesn't mean that I don't have the thoughts Tim, I really do know how hard it is. It really isn't a past experience; it is a current issue that I still deal with daily"

"How do you do it?"

"You keep going, keep busy and don't give yourself the opportunity to think about it. Just being around people normally helps, people like your friends."

"Thanks boss"

"Shall we sort out the Tony and Ziva situation?"

"They won't want me intruding on their day off"

"Are you sure about that? I could have sworn I seen them ten minutes ago and I told them to wait in the conference room" McGee's head shot straight up from looking at the floor to see if his boss was telling the truth. "They are your friends Tim, not just your team and here your friends are your family. They don't want to see you struggle through this on your own."

"So they are there now?"

"Yeah, so come on." Gibbs led his eager young agent all of the way to the conference room where he allowed McGee to enter first. By this point the sparkle and excitement had worn off, the nerves had set in. With his hand on the door knob he turned to see Gibbs whose face displayed encouragement and pride. His son needed to do this by himself so with one hand on his shoulder and the other on the door handle he opened the door, allowed McGee to enter the room then left. At first McGee felt abandoned and alone but then he realised it was probably for the best, if he couldn't sort this out by himself with two of his closest friends then what luck did he have when coming up against a stranger in the street or a new face at the office.

"Erm, hi guys"

"Hey Probie, how ya feeling?" asked Tony not really knowing what else to say that wasn't an insult or joke. Ziva just sat there observing her team mate, that creeped Tim out; she always discovers things that others miss when she is like this. "I'm feeling fine Tony, what about you and Ziva?"

"I'm good Timmy, Ziva?"

"I am good too, apart from being deceived for the past six years." This comment just made McGee's heart sink which was portrayed by his facial expression. "No matter what situation you are stuck in hurting yourself is not the answer, it can make you physically weaker and can prevent you from doing things that to anyone else seem entirely normal." Tony did agree with what Ziva was saying but he also didn't know what was going through his best mates head. As the room fell silent Gibbs knocked on the door of the Directors office and was allowed entry. It appears that the Director already knew what Gibbs was thinking because all he did was throw the TV remote at Gibbs. Leon moved from behind his desk and took a seat at his recently polished table which Gibbs sat on top of. He scowled at Gibbs who got the hint and took a seat next to his Director and cranked up the TV volume.

"I wasn't ready to discuss it with anyone Ziva"

"Ducky seemed to know"

"Doesn't mean that I discussed it with him, I still don't know how he even found out because the way I hid it means that nobody should have seen"

"Hey, Probie" butted in Tony "Why didn't you come to me? I can understand why you wouldn't want to go to Gibbs, going to Gibbs about something feels like admitting defeat at first and Ziva is a deadly ninja who doesn't talk about this sort of stuff. But I am pretty much an open book Tim; you know I am here for you no matter how much I joke around with you."

"I know you are Tony but as I said to Ziva, I just wasn't ready" after that reply Ziva got up and left. "What did I say wrong?" Tim asked aloud as his eyes started to well up. After seeing how much this meant to his brother Tony went up to him and embraced him in a hug. The younger agent let a few stray tears escape before taking a deep breath and wiping his eyes with a napkin that Tony provided.

The Director was shocked and thought the result would have been the complete opposite but Gibbs knew however he still sighed at Ziva's reaction, he thought more of her. Ziva left the building and presumably went home but Tony stayed with McGee to comfort him. Shortly after this Gibbs arrived but McGee had already been calmed down by Tony.

"C'mon McGee, let's go and get a drink since we are not working for the rest of today" McGee stood up and walked out with no protest whatsoever which is not normal for him. Tony drank a few beers and flirted with the barmaid's whist McGee drowned his sorrows until Tony finally took him home. This was the first time Tim was back in his apartment and Tony knew that but it seemed like McGee was past caring due to the amount of alcohol he had consumed. Tony opened the door with the keys Gibbs had given him for the new lock, sat McGee down on the sofa and got them a beer each from the Probie's fridge. By the time he re-entered the room McGee was stood up in a trance just staring at the couch that he was sat on only seconds ago.

"McGee" Tony called "McGee" no response. "Probie, are you okay?" blanked. "Tim, can you hear me?" ignored. Little did Tony know McGee was replaying one of his many nightmares in his head. He cracked open a beer and held in under McGee's nose which again failed so then Tony finally gave in and called Gibbs. "Hey boss, I got McGee back to his apartment but now he is just stood up looking at his sofa. It's like he has been hypnotised."

"Okay" Gibbs sighed "keep trying to get his attention, I will come round to pick you both up"

"Yeah, I'm in no fit state to drive. Does this mean the Probie is stopping at the navy yard again tonight?"

"If he is not ready we can't force him, it won't make things any better"

"Okay boss, see you in ten"

* * *

 **A/N: Shout out to Silver Midnight whose input really helped me put the end of the chapter together.**

For Silver's profile on here or the Facebook page just search SiverMidnight52

I have also recently started up my own Facebook page for my writing which I intend to update frequently; it is dedicated to my own personal writing as well as my FanFiction.

My Facebook Page… rosieleewriter

The actual link to my page can be found on my profile as inputting links directly into a story isn't the easiest of tasks.

 **Thank you for all of my lovely reviews, constructive criticism always appreciated. :-)**


	7. Is McGee really fit for work?

A/N: Sorry it has been so long, the life of a student isn't an easy one. Since I last updated I have spent a bit of time avoiding deadlines, a bit of time getting into trouble with teachers and a bit of time writing - but not FanFiction... I have a Facebook page (which I have probably already mentioned), it is available here and I update it more frequently, this is because not all of my writing is FanFiction related so please check it out. I also use it to post sneak previews of Fanfic stories I am thinking of and ones I am beginning to develop so if you are one of those people who enjoy getting information before everyone else then it is definitely worth a quick glance. Lastly, I hope you all had a fantastic holiday season, I for one had a wonderful Christmas and a New Year's celebration that reminded me what life was all about. HAPPY READING! :-D

A couple of minutes later Tony was able to snap McGee out of it. "Hey Tim, how ya feeling?"

"Fine Tony"

"Don't lie to me Tim, you were completely zoned out and you look you have seen a ghost"

"I'm just a little shook up"

"Well yeah, I can see that. Gibbs is on his way"

"What? Why?"

"I was worried Tim. He is coming to take us back to the Navy Yard"

"No, I can't do that. I need to stop here and face it all."

"Not yet, it's obviously too soon for you. The mental scars need to heal as well as they physical ones"

"I don't think I can stand another night sleeping on that floor"

"I got a sofa"

"Nah, it's okay Tony. That sofa has barely been sat on let alone slept on; it will be like sleeping on a rock"

"Suit yourself"

As expected ten minutes later Gibbs turned up and the pair we waiting outside for their lift. They all sat in silence for the whole journey back as nobody wanted to talk and McGee was on the verge of passing out from the vast amount of alcohol he had consumed.

The journey to Abby's lab once they arrived was short and McGee fell asleep in a record breaking time. Tony and Gibbs sat in the next room and began talking. "How was he when he was out with you?"

"He wasn't the happiest of people"

"Did he talk to you about anything at all?"

"No boss, all he did was drink and stare into space all night"

"Okay, do you think he should see Dr Cranston again?" Asked Gibbs.

"I think it will just push him over the edge, maybe convince him to talk to Ducky first"

"Thanks for taking him out Tony"

"No problem boss, he is like the brother I never had"

"Do you need a lift home?"

"If you're heading that way"

"I'm not but I will drop you anyway"

"In that case I will catch a cab"

"You sure?"

"Yeah Boss, you should be here for McGee when he wakes up"

Gibbs then set his sleeping bag and pillow down about a metre from McGee. Two hours later Gibbs found himself being awoken from his light slumber by some quiet muttering. "G-g-go away" Gibbs listened to what Tim was saying "l-l-leave him" who was the 'him' McGee was referring to? "P-p-please" it sounded like he was pleading for someone else's life.

Gibbs thought it best to wake his sleeping agent. "Tim" Gibbs tapped him on the shoulder "Tim" Gibbs called as he shook him slightly then he finally head slapped Tim and, as if by magic, he awoke.

"Heyy bosss" McGee spoke in a slightly slurred speech "whatcha doin heree, Gibbs almost chuckled at the young agents words.

"You were having a nightmare Tim"

"Was I? I don't remember." With that Tim put his head back on his temporary pillow, Bert the Hippo, and fell back asleep. Gibbs guessed that he underestimated how much Tim actually drank and went back to sleep himself. Everything was fine until McGee started to slip into another nightmare and wake Gibbs, again. This was beginning to annoy Gibbs but he thought he would let Tim play this one out. He pretty much repeated the same things as last time but this time the nightmare continued. Gibbs noticed that Tim started to twitch and move more which he thought nothing of until the agent started to violently thrash about, this is the point at which Gibbs chose to intervene. This time the agent did remember that nightmare and he wasn't going to forget it in a hurry. "Hey Tim, can you hear me" McGee was in a state of shock so Gibbs got up to get him a drink. Gibbs tipped some water onto his hand and splashed it in McGee's face and then handed him the bottle. "So what happened this time?"

"Nothing boss, it was just a bad dream"

"McGee it was not just a bad dream, you need to talk about it"

"But it is too upsetting and you will just run and tell Ducky or Dr Cranston"

"Tim, look at yourself, the sweat is pouring off you and you were in shock when you woke up. I won't tell Ducky if you don't want me to but I have to tell Dr Cranston because you may not be fit for work and working might make you worse."

"Please don't tell her boss, she won't let me work."

"Maybe that is a good thing, time off might help you get over it all"

"This isn't something I can just get over boss, I need to work through it. Time off work will not help"

"Whatever you say Tim, I am here if you need to talk but I do need to tell Dr Cranston about what has happened. If you do want to talk specifically about the nightmares I won't tell her any of that. Are you gonna go back to sleep now or are you gonna go for a walk?"

"I'm gonna go for a walk, on my own." Slightly wobbly, McGee got up and went for a stroll.

He returned half an hour later to discover that Gibbs was already asleep so he tried to do the same. It didn't take him that long to fall asleep again; it was staying asleep that was the issue. He still woke numerous times before he was due to get up the next morning and every time he woke Gibbs too.

Gibbs wasn't annoyed or angry but he was frustrated because he couldn't do anything to fix this, he was so used to the physical injuries that he forgot how to deal with the mental ones.

At 6:30am Gibbs got up and started to get ready for another days work, he crept out of Abby's lab without making a sound yet Tim started to stir anyway.

Gibbs was ready to start working at 7am sharp and so was Abby but she arrived at her lab to find her friend violently twitching in his sleeping bag. On this occasion he managed to wake himself up but realised that he had just scared Abby.

"Oh my gosh Timmy, are you alright" she said as she sat down next to him forcing him into a tight hug.

"I'd feel much better if you just let me breathe Abbs"

"Right, sorry"

"What time is it?"

"A couple minutes after seven, Gibbs wants you in at eight"

"What about the others?"

"They had to be ready for seven, unlucky"

"Thanks Abby, I better start getting ready" Tim said as he rolled up his sleeping bag and put his things in a tidy pile.

"Don't forget breakfast Tim!" Abby shouted as her friend exited the room.

Meanwhile, the rest of the team were working in the pumpkin coloured squad room. They were just catching up on the endless piles of paperwork; a lot of it was from McGee's kidnapping and rescue mission. At around 7:30am Gibbs disappeared which was entirely normal but what wasn't normal was that he returned with no fresh coffee. Instead of the coffee run Gibbs had been on the phone to Dr Cranston, he mentioned the nightmares which were entirely normal but the violent shaking and the amount of time spent in shock weren't. Although she was busy she agreed to visit McGee again today to discuss what Gibbs had mentioned.

At 8am, on the dot, McGee arrived ready to begin a full day's work but Gibbs had other ideas. He pulled McGee to one side and explained how today was going to work. "I spoke to Dr Cranston, we both agreed that you shouldn't be working today."

"But boss, this is the only thing that keeps me going"

"I know that Tim but we need to get this sorted before it gets worse"

"So she is revoking my fitness for work eval?"

"Until she sees you today, yes"

"And after that?"

"It's up to her, she will be here soon"

Soon couldn't come soon enough for McGee, he had been pacing the floor in Abby's lab for the past hour and finally he got the call from Gibbs telling him that she had arrived, the woman who decides his future.

The meeting took place in the same room as last time but this time Gibbs was present as well.

"Hello again Tim"

"Hi Dr Cranston"

"So me and agent Gibbs have been discussing what happened last night" McGee shot an angry looks at his boss and continued to listen, Gibbs just brushed these off as he knew he was doing the right thing "we have both agreed that you should take some time off to get over this, it was a very traumatic experience" McGee just sat there staring blankly at the floor, how was he supposed to get through this now?

"Please don't do this." He spoke in words quiet enough to be a whisper.

"It will only be temporary, a couple of weeks might be enough for you, and your job is not at risk at all"

"Please Dr Cranston; this is the only way I can cope"

"We can't have you working in the field, you could make a mistake that puts you and your team in danger"

"What about desk work? I can't do any damage there"

"What if you come across another case linked to self-harm? I don't think you would be able to cope at the moment, what do you think?"

"I think that is extremely unlikely to happen again, it's the first one I have come across"

"The answer is no Special Agent McGee, I cannot permit you to do any sort of work whilst you are this unstable and sleeping on the floor of a science lab"

Gibbs just sat there silently continuing to listen to both sides of the argument. "I am begging you" tears appeared in the young agent's eyes "I can't be at home on my own for two weeks"

Dr Cranston was glad that she had finally broke down that wall, she just wished that is didn't cause him so much pain. "Why is that Tim?"

"Because I don't trust myself enough anymore and I can barely step foot in there let alone sleep there" a few tears escaped.

"What are you worried about?"

"I'm worried that I will self-harm to the extent of hospitalisation because of the kidnapping, it brings back too many bad memories" another tear appeared and escaped rolling to freedom.

"Do you want to talk about them?"

"It's not the experience of the kidnapping or the pain that I'm talking about, it's the nightmares that are the worst because I can't do anything or think rationally"

"Special Agent Gibbs, could you perhaps give us a minute" asked Dr Cranston, Gibbs obliged knowing that McGee was finally getting somewhere. "Tim, please could you tell me what happens in the nightmares." He didn't speak a word, the only noise that escaped were the quiet uncontrollable sobs. "I know this is upsetting for you but I just want you to take your time, I have all day"

"A-a-s much as I want to tell you I-I-I can't"

"Why is that?"

"I-I-It's too upsetting for you, n-not just me"

"You have no need to worry about me, I have heard all of this before and more, it is my job"

"O-only if you are sure"

"I am Tim, I promise"

"It's the same sort of situations over and over again." McGee explained attempting to keep both the tears and the stuttering at bay "Just one example is where my hands are bound above me head and my feet are tied. Gibbs is where I was found, in the centre of the room and I'm directly opposite but we are separated by about 3 metres of space. Elliot starts on me, he cuts my skin in the most painful ways possible wanting me to scream and cry as Gibbs watches, then Gibbs tries to intervene. He knocks the knife out of Elliot's hand so the attention is now on Gibbs, he hurts Gibbs the same way he hurt me and to see him so much pain was horrifying but instead of stopping he just continues. He carries on and on and on until Gibbs faints from the sheer amount of pain he is in." Some silent tears escaped the agent's eyes "But he doesn't stop, he carries on for my 'benefit', then he finally slits his throat right in front of me and I'm completely helpless. I have no choice other than to sit there and watch, I then wait for him to turn around and start on me again, he cuts into my skin but I'm numb. I feel immune to whatever Elliot does because I watched the only father I ever had in my life die, I then close my eyes in the dream and wake up in reality. Sometimes I try swinging to reach Elliot before he kills Gibbs, other times I move around as much as possible to make things as difficult as possible for Elliot. As I said, it just varies" McGee then reached for a tissue he had in his pocket and dried his eyes but remained staring at the floor, reliving that in the real world has got to be one of the most difficult things he has ever had to do.

"Thank you for sharing that with me Tim, that has been really insightful." Little did McGee know Dr Cranston was absolutely gobsmacked at the things McGee has had to experience on a nightly basis.

"Some are more insignificant than that" McGee spoke voluntarily. "It starts as I'm getting home, I sit down on the sofa and hear something so I stand up and draw my gun but an arm comes from behind me. It places me in a headlock using just one arm then put a cloth over my mouth with another, the cloth was obviously soaked chloroform but I'm still semi-conscious. The person then puts some form of bag or cloth over my head however, I am unable to move." McGee took a noticeably deep breath before speaking again "they change all of the time so I never have the chance to work out how to solve the problems in the dream."

"The problems are not in the dream; they are here, in the real world where we can face them as a team."

"I don't want to face them, they are too much for me to handle"

"On your own, maybe they are probably too much but just look around you Tim, look at your support network."

"My support network is at work, I am currently not allowed to work so I have no support network"

"You know that isn't true, all it takes is a phone call"

"So I am supposed to wake members of my team up in the middle of the night just so I can discuss my petty nightmares, I don't think so."

"If you don't talk and explain things to them how are they going to understand?"

"I don't want them to understand, if they knew it would hurt them. They would look at me differently and I really don't want or need that"

"Surely sharing the burden would be better for everyone?"

"No, I'm not telling them"

"Okay, I'm not going to force you. Also, what you have told me only secures the decision to keep you off work for a short period of time." By this point McGee had given up fighting the decision and Dr Cranston called Gibbs back into the room. "We are going ahead with the initial plan, I will come to re-assess you in a week but as of now you are mentally unfit to work so I am withdrawing your fitness for work eval." McGee then piped up thanking Dr Cranston for her time.

Gibbs escorted Dr Cranston out of the conference room where Dr Cranston ceased the chance to have a private word with Gibbs. "Off the record I think you should offer him the spare bedroom in your house, install Wi-Fi and fit some locks, I have a feeling that is the only place he will feel safe." Gibbs just nodded and made sure she was on the elevator.

Doing that would be a big step for Gibbs but that was a step he was willing to take if it helped Tim. He then went to find McGee which wasn't that difficult as the agent hadn't moved. "So, Tim, how would you like to stop at my house?"

"That's a kind offer Boss but- "

"Don't decline just yet. I have a bed which is already better than Abby's lab floor, I will have that Wi-Fi stuff installed and I will fit new locks to all of the doors."

"You don't have to do that for me Boss"

"No I don't, but I want to. Besides, you can't exactly stay at work now your eval has been revoked"

"I guess I'm gonna have to take you up on that offer then"

A/N: So, I hope you enjoyed that. Please review, it's nice to see all of your wonderful responses. To my repeated reviewers... I really appreciate your support, thank you for sticking with me. To those who give me criticism... thank you, it really helps to hear your opinion on the way I write about things. If you are both of these - you are absolutely epic.

And remember, if you need support in the UK as a child or young adult Childline are the people to turn to. If you aren't in the UK they still have really good written information and advice here too which is worth reading.

If you are an adult in the UK Samaritans are always there if you need them.

In the USA, I have quickly looked up a website which looks like it offers good advice but as I don't live over there with you guys I don't know about the widespread support available (if any).

All Countries: If you know of any helpful phone numbers or websites feel free to post these in the reviews alongside your country. If you don't wish to post them yourself then by all means message me and I will post mention it at the end of the next chapter without revealing your name.


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